Very funny....and I want to be a 'Christo'?..

 If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
 something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone
 who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
  routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club. Although I
am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of
Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted
his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a
 heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds,
he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo
put me on the stair monster.Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit
too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late--
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some
skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine--
which I sank.
 _________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little
aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him
with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
 ________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel..
 ________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I
will also pray that next year my husband will choose a
gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!